Stuck in Mind
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I had no choice but crying heavily beside my husband who was sleeping at that time. Why did suddenly my heart feel hard and it was getting worse? May be you can call me a liar after reading my reason, but this was what I felt.
Long period, spending time without reading any
good book or surrounding by positive vibes, or high competitive environment can
drive me to depression. The reality about chores, mother in law, husband,
customers, physical movement that are not related to my current dreams actually
really exhausting to think. I am exactly overthinking, because I realize that
my dreams need extra, meanwhile triple or thousand times extra work hard to
achieve. That is why, if day to day can’t bring me closer to my dream, although,
it is just a small step, I am getting depressed then. And it worked today.
Well, my mother in law is sick. No surprise if
she needs extra attention from either me or my husband. I am as her daughter in
law also has a call from the deepest heart of mine that I have to, or probably
I must take her care. After getting up, I cooked some kinds of meal for a day.
She also asked me to go shopping to find what she needed. After my meal has
done, she cooked by herself to my father in law. Besides, she also still wakes
up at 2 am to cook some snacks and sell them. Some reality that drives me mad.
After that, because of my pregnancy, I had to
take a nap, recharging my energy back. After it comes back, I had to serve the
customers who came to my shop. It’s okay to serve them some drink, because it
is my husband’s. But, the meal is my mother’s. When we had a customer who asks
a meal, she came after me and asked me to do this and this and that. And of course,
I don’t do that once, meanwhile for several times. My energy was dropped. I had
no nap during the day. It makes me feel heavy and I want to yell for everybody
about my condition. But who cares?
Next, I chose to cry beside my husband. He was
still snoring when I cried. I didn’t care. All I need was just pulling my tears
out of my eyes and the heavy things inside my heart also sneaked off. I needed
to cry, and please listen to me. That was all I need at that time.
Because of that was the time to wake up, my
husband started to move and change his position. I made myself comfort when he
did that, I laid on his chest. He hugged me.
My tears dropped to his cheek. By still closing
his eyes, his hand began to check my wet cheek. The tears still flow from my
eyes. Then, by a sudden, my husband opened his eyes, and asked me, what was
happened that made me cried heavily. I said nothing, of course, because my
sound was paused by my rough breath.
He was like trying to wake up 100% and realize
about me. After inhaling some breath, I began to tell. I felt anxiety because I
am far away from my dream. I had to tell him that I can’t only do some chores
and do nothing for my dreams. I have a duty to reach them, to make meaningful
life, for my version. Because I have a standard to achieve. I told him that I
was exhausted by those chores and those physical movement. Besides, the last
thing I told him was, I am always not okay if I have no good books to read. My
books, mostly are in my other house, meanwhile some books which I brought, and
sometimes made me feel bored to read. I should also be able to access my
digital book, because I had a tablet which can be used as a medium to read.
But, here I was, too exhausted and nothing could bring me some healthy
nutrition in my mind.
Everything I told him, he was listening. Then
he said to me, that if I had no book, it could lead me to be anxious, then what
about without him? Was his presence not as precious as books? He said that with
a cute language. I laughed for a while, and he did his job, trying to pull out
the cumulonimbus over my head. Had he ever asked me something that harden myself?
Then, he started to become serious. If I was tired, I had to take a rest, and
continue what I need. He always supports my dreams, facilitates me, all I need,
and motivates me to reach them. It is okay to say tired and I had a job to
finish, to his mom. Mom will understand it.
My brain worked, and I had a light over it. I
got the matters. The troubles I had were, my job had not finished yet, my
laptop was still error, and I worried about missing my client’s trust, worried
about losing this project, and for my future career, meanwhile all I do right
now has no relation with my career.
I don’t complain about being a wife, being a
woman, being a daughter in law, and for a reason, being a mom with chores.
Those are some beautiful acts for women, I really enjoy it, I am so thankful
for them. But, if I cannot come closer to my dream, because all I know, become
a woman is such a beautiful thing which has no relation to hinder those career
steps, this one made me mad at that time.
My husband hugged me, wiped my cheek with his
hand. He kissed my forehead and asked me to take a nap for a while, meanwhile
he got up to work. I looked him leaving the room.
Sometimes, I just felt unfair for him. Then, to
clean my mind from those negative and unnecessary things, I began to sleep. After
sleeping around all night, I felt fresher and started to plan my activities.
All I learnt, a well management is begun by planning, actuating, implementing,
and evaluating. So I had to start from the earliest one, then time to time, give
a check for each goal as some marks of finishing them properly.
Good Mbak Ekka
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mas Imam
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